An Interview with the City of Portland

Shining a light on Trump's obsession with PDX

During Tuesday’s debates, the city of Portland was mentioned numerous times by President Trump. Why is the President so focused on the City of Roses? We went right to the source, interviewing the city herself. Now 14 years old and a freshman, the City of Portland gave us some insight into what exactly is happening between the two. 

AB: Thanks for talking to us today.  

City of Portland (CP): Yeah. 

AB: This isn’t the first time, but the President talked about you quite a bit on Tuesday night during the debate. Any idea why that might be?

CP: He’s, like, so obsessed with me. It’s been that way all summer. It’s gross. 

AB: Since the summer?

CP: Yeah, we kept hanging out downtown and he was not invited. He’s so loud! I don’t think he’s really a sophomore. He probably repeated a grade or something. 

AB: Well, yes, he’s 74. 

CP: Whatever, he shouldn't even have been there with us. He wasn’t invited. I think he was creeping on us on Snap and then him and his buddies just kept showing up so we left. Go away! I dunno what happened after that, we left and got boba. 

AB: This happened more than once?

CP: It happened like a hundred times! Him and his friends. I don’t even care about the eyebrow pencil I lent him, keep it. So desperate. 

AB: Do you think it would be better to just include him in things instead? Maybe he’s lonely.

CP: NO. And he keeps talking about his boyfriend in the National Guard in Idaho! I think he smells weird, like watermelon jolly ranchers. He’s extra and he’s sooooo obsessed with me. Do you know that he showed up with a real Cartier bag after I got a fake one online? Stop trying so hard. No one wants to see your stupid expensive bag. Another time, he showed up and was talking this biiiiig game about all these joints he had with him. They were just shitty CBD weed. I’m not thirty! No one wants that. 

AB: I see. And what about Joe Biden? Has he hung out with you at all?

CP: No. I don’t think he has a phone. 

AB: Of course. When Trump kept coming around, did he say anything about the Proud Boys? What about them?

CP: [laughs, snaps gum] His crew? Lolllz. There’s like these four fat cousins of his that live up in Ridgefield and come down here sometimes. He’s always angling to call them. They wear these matching shirts, it’s really dumb. We call them the open carry fairies. What a bunch of weirdos. I don’t know why they have matching shirts. Maybe they work at State Farm. 

AB: Did they ever make you feel unsafe?

CP: Nah, just skeeved out. They usually go play paintball and leave us alone. Also their trucks are all busted, they’re smoking exhaust all the time. Can’t you afford a truck that, like, works ? 

AB: You mean that they were rolling coal?

CP: I don’t know what they were smoking. Whatever it was, they didn’t share any. 

AB: Is there anything else that you’d like to add?

CP: Uh, yes. Trump said that he got to second base under the shirt with Mike Reese in Kenton Park last week and that is NOT true. Mike would never do that and he was doing the Tik Tok Purse Challenge with me that night besides, I think I would know. Like, why would you lie like that? He thinks that he can just take over my life? We are NOT the same. I hope he gets mono. 

AB: Thank you very much for your time. 

CP: Sure.